1. Get pregnant: Got us there...but is that really a good thing? Morning sickness, tearing, body changes...you can have it!
2. Fake it: The fact that you have to or even do makes this a non-starter. We don't HAVE to fake it. And actually...yes we can. And some do... So well in fact that you clearly didn't know we could. Well done....
3. Ask for directions: What kind of a stereotype is this? The modern man gets to his destination on time. Even if he needs to ask directions. But really...with Google Maps...who the hell needs to ask anymore anyway? We have the ability to read and follow a map...that trumps your 'asking for directions' any day of the week.
4. Look sexy while sipping fruity cocktails: Got me there...definitively yours.
5. Live longer: 'Plenty of time to ... have a few more orgasms...' Yes...but then you have to make up for all the ones you had to fake (see #2). So...I'm pretty sure we win this one too.
Next: Multiple orgasms and more...
6. Have multiple orgasms: First, you can't multiple every time. And we can do it sometimes too. Or are you one of those girls who picks horrible mates and doesn't get that chance? Ouch...too bad...
7. Multi-task: Mmhmmm. I'm sure. I on't know any girls who multi-task better than I do (not saying I do it BETTER...just none better than me) and many of them tell me they have no ability to multi-task. And actually...watching TV and talking to your BFF are probably both mindless, autonomic activities...so it really doesn't count as multi-tasking.
8. Get a new last name: Got me there...good job.
9. Wear skirts: 'Plus, a hot mini is sure to score us a few free drinks at the bar.' Go ahead...play up the fact that you will gladly abandon your morals and standards for free drinks and attention. Like that's a good thing?
10. Get out of a speeding ticket: Sure...you're right here. But you're also saying that you shouldn't be treated equally by the law. If you want true gender equality, you can't just take all the advantages and expect to avoid the negative consequences of being treated equally under the law.
Next: Dance-floor moves and more
11. Become a cougar, not a dirty old man: 'Like, Demi Moore.' For every Demi, we have Hef. Don't pretend that you have the advantage here. More young women date older men than the other way around...as bad of an idea as that is.
12. Wing it on the dance floor...convincingly: Yes we will...but we won't care.
13. Wear high-heels: Yeah...talk up the fact that you lie right away. ''I'm this tall!'' No, you're not...liar. And you sound like a horse clopping around with those things... Want us to treat you like more of an equal and less of a sexual object? Try starting by putting something forward other than your physical attractiveness...like a personality.
14. Flirt with the bouncer: Got me there...but how do you feel that you're getting paid (the free cover) for being a companion (escort)? Think about it...
15. Blame it on PMS: Got us there. We will forever try and make up for the fact that you have to go through this. We will do whatever you wish. Seriously...we all feel garb that you have to go through that. And we are (mostly) perfectly fine with you even abusing it if you feel the need. Seriously...we apologize for you dealing with it.
Next: Growing out our hair and more
16. Grow out our hair: I disagree. I let my hair grow out all the time. And my girlfriend seems to think it looks even better as I let it grow out. Personal choice I suppose.
17. Cover up a zit: Got us here too.
18. Get aroused without the entire room knowing it: Yeah...that does suck for us.
19. Wear a thong: Man thongs....*shiver*. TJ...I hate you.
20. Get a manicure: Not for the Barnacle!!! HIMYM...anybody?
21. Make a longer list of our talents. We didn't want to overload you with our greatness. But seriously...we're just trying to buck up from all of the attacks on men going around these days. We're punching bags...we get it. But there are lots of things we can be proud of. So...just let us have them will you? In return, we will be at your beck and call since we all love you. And, by the way, you really don't have to try so hard for us to like you (mini skirts, heels, thongs, etc.). We're going to like you anyway... All that stuff is just female competition. We really don't care. Well...douchebags care...but nice guys who will take care of you and make you never have to do #2 and CAN do #6 just want a partner. Not a sex object. So join our side and stay away from that will you. We're right here waiting for you to be a person...friend...and more. :-)
Jul 4, 2005
Out of line
This post will be.
I just had one of the most amazing weekends I've had in a VERY long time. I went back to that place I'm from and hung out with the friends that have always been there for me. I hadn't seen some of them for over a year. But we all fell right back into place. You never forget the best times of your life......where was I?
Friday: Grilling in the superblock. A good friend, a Mountain Dew, a perfectly grilled/seasoned ribeye steak, and some much needed relaxation. Drive to SuFu. Meet up with my best friend, Graham, and 2nd place (Brock). Meet one of my first true friends and his new girlfriend, Kayla. New gf is cool. Nice work, TJ. Play H2 with BF/2nd for a while, get some sleep.
Saturday: Wake at 2 (booyah). Play more H2 until 5. Drive to Graham's place in V. Hang around with his lifeguard co-workers until close. Get Dan (another of first true friends) and play some poker. Lost $10 over like 6 hours. Met Tirhas (sp?). Was on a roll with witty comebacks and jabs, which I thought was good for having about 14 oz. of Bailey's in me. Damn good time. Watched Kill Bill, Kill Bill 2, and something else (I think). Bedtime 6AM.
Sunday: Drive Brock back to SuFu at 830 (aka 2 hours of sleep). Sleep till about 4. Wake and decide NOT to come back as planned. Wait until Brock gets off work and showers and eats (9PM). Drive back to Vermillion. Go to party at Graham's co-worker's place. Play first game of Beer Pong. Beer is nasty. Used Bailey's for rest of my drinks. Go back to Graham's with Tirhas and Brock. Calming down...watch Clerks. Watch documentary on the making of Clerks. Bedtime 4:41AM.
Monday: Drive Brock back to SuFu at 830 (aka 4 hours of sleep). Decide to drive to Minneapolis immediately. Make it back with only one stop (for gas in Owatonna). Get ahold of Steve. Go over. Play cards with roommates and friends. Go to roof of his townhouse to watch Minneapolis' fireworks displays, including St. Anthony Main's (I think) which was fired from like 3 blocks away. I dislike large scale fireworks...but found myself thinking about the actual war that started it, the war of 1812 (rockets' red blare), and Mat and my brother in training for the National Gaurd. Very serene and humbling actually. Come home and relax. {current time}
To my friends, I owe everything. And there is nothing I wouldn't do to repay them.
Haiku time:
All camp friends
Graham, Brock, TJ, Dan, me
All the best
To every friend that is always there.....................
DEW
I just had one of the most amazing weekends I've had in a VERY long time. I went back to that place I'm from and hung out with the friends that have always been there for me. I hadn't seen some of them for over a year. But we all fell right back into place. You never forget the best times of your life......where was I?
Friday: Grilling in the superblock. A good friend, a Mountain Dew, a perfectly grilled/seasoned ribeye steak, and some much needed relaxation. Drive to SuFu. Meet up with my best friend, Graham, and 2nd place (Brock). Meet one of my first true friends and his new girlfriend, Kayla. New gf is cool. Nice work, TJ. Play H2 with BF/2nd for a while, get some sleep.
Saturday: Wake at 2 (booyah). Play more H2 until 5. Drive to Graham's place in V. Hang around with his lifeguard co-workers until close. Get Dan (another of first true friends) and play some poker. Lost $10 over like 6 hours. Met Tirhas (sp?). Was on a roll with witty comebacks and jabs, which I thought was good for having about 14 oz. of Bailey's in me. Damn good time. Watched Kill Bill, Kill Bill 2, and something else (I think). Bedtime 6AM.
Sunday: Drive Brock back to SuFu at 830 (aka 2 hours of sleep). Sleep till about 4. Wake and decide NOT to come back as planned. Wait until Brock gets off work and showers and eats (9PM). Drive back to Vermillion. Go to party at Graham's co-worker's place. Play first game of Beer Pong. Beer is nasty. Used Bailey's for rest of my drinks. Go back to Graham's with Tirhas and Brock. Calming down...watch Clerks. Watch documentary on the making of Clerks. Bedtime 4:41AM.
Monday: Drive Brock back to SuFu at 830 (aka 4 hours of sleep). Decide to drive to Minneapolis immediately. Make it back with only one stop (for gas in Owatonna). Get ahold of Steve. Go over. Play cards with roommates and friends. Go to roof of his townhouse to watch Minneapolis' fireworks displays, including St. Anthony Main's (I think) which was fired from like 3 blocks away. I dislike large scale fireworks...but found myself thinking about the actual war that started it, the war of 1812 (rockets' red blare), and Mat and my brother in training for the National Gaurd. Very serene and humbling actually. Come home and relax. {current time}
To my friends, I owe everything. And there is nothing I wouldn't do to repay them.
Haiku time:
All camp friends
Graham, Brock, TJ, Dan, me
All the best
To every friend that is always there.....................
DEW
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